When you hear girls talking about being on Team Jacob or Team Edward and Cougars everywhere begin talking about Taylor Lautner’s abs it can only mean that it’s time for another film in …drumrole…the Twilight Saga. It’s hard to believe that it was only two years ago that we were all blessed with the unique experience of Twilight. In case you are late to the party let me get you up to speed on this giant helping of crap that is the equivalent of a Judy Blume book with sparkling vampires and teenage werewolves that don’t like to wear shirts.  In Twilight we meet Bella, a depressed teenager (wow, it’s already so original) she meets a very pale guy called Edward. Ahhhhhh. Well first she hates him then he saves her life and then she loves him with every fiber of her being. Ahhhhhhh. Fast forward to the end, Edward and his family of Vamps kill a bad guy and the bad guy’s girlfriend is pretty pissed about it and Bella’s good friend Jacob doesn’t like Edward. There, that’s the first movie. Oh, crap. I forgot to mention that vampires like to play Baseball when it rains. Sorry. I can’t believe I almost forgot to tell you about that.

Then came The Twilight Saga: New Moon. Funny thing is I kind of liked New Moon. It wasn’t a good movie by any stretch of the imagination, but I laughed in lots of scenes (I don’t know if I was supposed to, but when someone has a head injury and a guys removes his shirt to flex his abs to help her, I couldn’t help myself). In this one Jacob discovers he’s a werewolf and Edward breaks up with Bella to protect her. Ahhhhhhh. Anyway, Bella keeps wanting to become a member of the X-Games because any life threatening situation brings her closer to Edward in her mind. Ahhhhhh. One time Bella goes too far and almost dies but Jacob saves her. Edward’s keen telepathic abilities tell him she died and now he wants to die too. Ahhhhhh. Unfortunately for all of us they both survive and that leads us to this summer’s most anticipated pile of garbage. The Twilight Saga: Eclipse.

Now, while I hate Twilight. I didn’t think New Moon was the worst movie and I had read that there was more action in Eclipse, so I was cautiously optimistic. It’s a good thing I was cautious because Eclipse was nothing more than an episode of The Young and The Restless with vampires and werewolves. The movie starts in a field of flowers and Edward and Bella are engrossed in a conversation about turning Bella into a vampire and how Edward doesn’t want to do it unless she marries him and how she wants to have sex but Edward tells her it’s too dangerous and he says if she marries him they can have sex. Blah, blah, blah.

Turns out, there have been a series of disappearances in Seattle and the Cullen Family believes that someone is creating a Vampire Army. Is it Victoria (the female vamp hell bent on avenging her love’s death at the hands of Edward by killing Bella), maybe it’s the Voltori (pretty much the Royal Family of Vampires) because Edward hasn’t turned Bella into a vampire like he promised in New Moon? Once it’s confirmed that an army is being created we discover that in author Stephanie Myer’s world of Vampires that Vampires are the most dangerous when they are first created because of the human blood still in their system. Even the basic Mythology of the Vampires in these stories are terrible as every other Vampire story tells how Vampires get stronger with age, but it apparently works in reverse in this twisted story.  Dr. Cullen immediately concludes that the family will need training and a truce has been negotiated with the wolves in order to stop this army. Queue the training montage.

As for our two lovebirds, well Jacob has decided to put the full court press on Bella before she allows herself to become a vampire and tells her he loves her and even goes in for a smooch. She responds by punching him in the face and breaking her own hand. Nice. Anyway the love triangle begins as Edward and Jacob have to keep Bella safe from Victoria and at the same time figure out the mystery of this Vampire Army. One good thing about this movie is that it appears Robert Pattinson is improving as an actor. I didn’t see Remember Me, but he is much better in this movie than any other Twilight films. Taylor Lautner is good as Jacob, but I’ve always found him to be the most comfortable and best at his role. As for miss enthusiasm, Kristen Stewart she is getting worse, perhaps because of her real life struggles with fame. The poor girl. Anyway if you can’t tell by now I thought this movie sucked ass.

The love triangle in this movie drags for two hours and in between we get pointless flashbacks about members of the Cullen family. The few scenes that do work involve tension between Jacob and Edward, but they are few and far between and the script is very simple and comes across very flat.

Twilight has captivated teen girls across the nation and reviews will make little difference in how successful the movie is, but if you are on the fence about seeing this movie let me tell you to save your money and rent a good vampire movie at home. If there is anything good about Eclipse it is that we only have to endure two more Twilight movies and it’ll all be over. Ahhhhh.

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse: 1.5/10

Puddy